My Toastie Outlet ♠

This blog post is filled with anger and.. I don't know what other emotions. It's specifically for you, Neo.

1. "Look how pathetic are you, nobody remembers your birthday, look how unimportant you are to them. You don't even stand any where in their heart for them to remember your birthday. My insignificant existence makes me feel like ditching this world and go on to the 'Other world'."

2. "Always be by your side/ listening ear are just pack of lies.
I'm afraid that love will turn into hate, if I love and care too much about the people around me. There is no one that cares for me."

3. "I want to be loved just like any other people... I want someone to be by my side when I'm lonely and I want a shoulder to lean on when I feel like crying. Is there really no one that cares for me in these world? I'm an unwanted object."

Seriously. What the hell is this? I remembered wishing you a Happy Birthday, albeit while you were offline or appearing offline, on 19 March 4pm-ish. So what's this crap about me forgetting your birthday? Okay, fine. Maybe you didn't receive it because my message failed to send through. But "Look at how unimportant you are to them. You don't even stand any where in their heart for them to remember your birthday"? Excuse me. I'd like to inform you that I actually made it a point to remember your birthday 'cause I was afraid I'd forget it like I do for almost everyone else.

I may have stopped talking to you for these past weeks, but that doesn't mean I forgot about you and your entire existence. God knows I think of you every night before I sleep. Thinking whether or not to talk to you and risk raising my blood pressure, whether or not to sweeten my words so you won't feel so depressed, whether or not to give up on you. 'Cause I am seriously, seriously pissed off at your entire behaviour. not at you, but at your behaviour.

Grow up, Neo. Forgetting your birthday means people forgot about you entirely? Then I guess people forgot about me for the past 16 years of my life 'cause I don't remember anybody wishing me a Happy Birthday or celebrating my birthday until the recent years. Is that it? Huh? If that were so, I guess I should kill myself too. "Don't stand anywhere in their hearts?" I don't know if I can even say this. You've become such a huge influence in my life and my heart that it almost becomes unbearable 'cause everytime I'm close to forsaking you and your entire shitload of bull, I end up just distancing myself from you so I can gain some semblance of control and fuel to push through whatever load of emotion you throw at me. And why do I even do this when I don't do this for others?! I could care less about other people. You know the person I am. I hate clingy emotions. I hate dealing with people like you. So why do I even bother with you?

Reason: You are an important friend to me! But I won't deny it. You are slowly becoming more of a pest than a friend.

People have a thing we call (what's the word) life. You honestly can't expect us to be at your beck and call just because you need a listening ear. And the way you are, do you think I can go through your torrent of emotions before I snap without a break from you? Seriously, stop being so selfish. I am here for you, but I can't always be there. Are you going to think that I've forgotten you when I can hardly talk to you anymore if I leave for Canada? There will be a time zone difference and we will hardly be able to talk online anymore. I know I've told you once. I remember everyone who's been in my life once even though I let them go, friend or not. And don't go blaming on your insecurity. To me, you're just a kid who wants to cling onto anything and everything you can get your grubby hands on. Think Neo, maybe it's time to grow a backbone and start learning to be independent? If you're going to stay the way you are in the years to come, I know I'd be at your funeral sooner or later. You are almost reaching adulthood. It's time to plan out your future.

AND DON'T START SAYING YOU DON'T HAVE ANY FUTURE AT ALL, YADDA.

That's only because you refuse to overcome your failures and face reality. Reality and life are two harsh and unrelenting forces. And if you can't gain the will to overcome them, there really is no point for me to say anything to you anymore. Really.

Pack of lies. Huh, I can't believe you actually said this. Well you know what. Fuck you too.

Love and care will turn to dislike. Dislike will turn into intense detest. Detest will turn into hate. Cause this is what I feel for you. I cared too much, but you refused to care and understand. You doubted my emotions. At the end of it, everything will eventually be your own doing. Do you really want it to be, Neo? You doubt everyone's feeling for you. I don't really know and can't vouch for your other friends. What I do know is that the more you are going to doubt me and my feelings, the more i'll end up detesting you, you insufferable, ungrateful, self-pitying fool.

You want to feel love? Well tell me this Neo, how do you feel love when you subconsciously push and doubt all feelings people have for you, huh. Unwanted? YOU ARE UNWANTED BECAUSE OF YOUR REPEATED AND ENDLESS ASSAULT OF SELF-PITYING AND SELF-HATING EMOTIONS.

You want to die because of your friends' negligence of your existence? By posting that feeling online, are you trying to peg me with guilt? Really, maybe I'd ask your mother to put this on your death certificate. Reason of death: Suicide due to loneliness which was inevitably caused by paranoia and doubt of friends' true intentions and feelings. You want to die? FINE. Call me heartless if you want. But I'm going to tell you this only once. I am not heartless. I refuse to shed tears for someone who doubts me whenever there's a lack of communication. I refuse to show sympathy for someone who gives up on himself so easily. I refuse to show sadness for someone who won't see his own mistakes and blame others for it.

You can say you're not doing anything I said you did, you can argue. But no one can see their flaws until pointed out by an outsider.

So what's your verdict? If you want to be hated that much, please do continue what you're doing. I can only take so much before I classify you as "the rest" in my life.

The most pathetic thing to do is to hold a grudge, and make everyone else suffer along with you. I think you don't even know that you hold a grudge. If you do, you know what it is.

Labels: feelings